i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
