Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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