You can't special order awesome
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
