Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
