I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
