Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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