Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
