I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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