Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
