smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
