i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
