paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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