He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
