How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i came on her dog
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
