Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
