T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
