I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
