I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
