Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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