I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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