My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize