Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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