After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
