Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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