Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
