Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
