A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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