dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
