She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize