so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
