so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
