hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
