I got chris browned last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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