you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
