if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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