just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
