I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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