Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
