dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
