i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think my moral compass just broke
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
