everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
