I seem to have left my pride at pride
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
