you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
