Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
