I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
