There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
