my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
