Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
