Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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