You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
