I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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