mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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