In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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