Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize