i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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