I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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